from a work in progress 2: Straddling Two Worlds

To be a Turk, man or woman, is to be in love with music and dance.

And in my mind’s eye, I see a woman, ageless in the way she stands, apart and yet part of those around her as she dances in her own world and still of the world she inhabits, the music not just heard but felt in the most intimate of ways, and in her movement, the sway of her hips, the lines of her arms, she is grace personified dancing with all of us, dancing with none. And it is this woman, this Turkish woman, who owns our admiration, our hearts.

I remember watching Ali’s nephew Oğuz play the bagpipe at a family gathering my first year here, how intent he was as the sound filled the living room and how everyone there sat smiling, some with eyes closed, legs that moved involuntarily, wanting to rise, to dance, there in that room. Or how one evening one of my first nights back after a year’s absence in New York, going with some new friends, a family related to a family I knew back in America, to a small café in Kadiköy where a guitarist was playing while customers nibbled on platters of French fries or popcorn and as he sang a song from the depths of Anatolia, one of the women I was with rose singing along, and started to sway as she sang, the other patrons at their tables clapping a rhythm, some joining in as a chorus, a few dancing in their chairs, the whole café alive with music, the guitar player beaming with joy, the night vibrant with song.

life as they say goes on

from my balcony
I watch the set-up
of tables
in the open market
a block away
a Monday ritual
here in Maltepe
and soon
I’ll have coffee
with a new friend
watch his son
practice his skills
in football camp
and as the sun
heats up the day
whatever state of emergency
exists here
does not impact
on daily rituals
in neighborhoods
all over this city
this country
life
as they say
goes on

breaking news

helicopters jets
overhead
bridges closed
confused faces
walking by
long lines
at ATMs
horns blaring
cars racing
who knows where
crowds rallying
chanting
in the streets
flags
lots of flags
distant explosions
and the longest walk
home
I’ve ever had
but now
peace restored
over 60 killed
754 detained
and life
here in Turkey
never ceases
to be filled
with drama
amid the beauty
once again

my interview with expat magazine: a podcast

Hi Everyone,

This is a podcast interview done some months ago before my circumstances changed here in Turkey. In it, I talk about being an expat in Turkey and share my thoughts/feelings about life here as well as in the US.

Since this interview I have decided to return and reestablish my base in New York again but will not sever my ties with this country. I will, in fact, be writing for a Turkish newspaper beginning almost immediately and will contribute articles on both Turkey and the US. So things evolve, as they often do, beyond what we envision at any one time.

Anyway, here is the link to the podcast. I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

excerpt from my mystery novel set in Turkey: World of Shadows: a hunt for a missing girl

Chapter Four

Ali woke up toward morning with a start, slightly disoriented with the strange room, light filtering in through unfamiliar curtains, a bed larger than the one he normally slept on, a strange female body next to him, naked, soft, and very much familiar to the touch, now that he touched her and Lily turned to him and smoothly glided into his arms, her thigh resting comfortably on his, her hand brushing the hair on his chest, her mouth melting into his. And so the morning started as the night ended and Ali stopped thinking and just enjoyed the beginning of a new day.

The Greek had not slept in the night, but sat up in his den quietly smoking his pipe while finishing a bottle of raki to ease the thoughts in his mind. There were too many memories associated with the people he now must see, too much bad blood, debts honored and paid, loyalties conflicted, grudges outstanding, love and hatred still simmering in pots long neglected. It was a world he walked away from years ago, and though there were still contacts kept, and some current business still transacted, there were some people he must see now who he swore never to see again. There were just too many wounds that could be reopened and the peace he had found in his twilight years, the peace he enjoyed with Irina, could be irrevocably altered. And he knew she knew this, and yet she said nothing. And he did not know if that was a blessing or not, for he feared nothing in life except the loss of her company. He could face whatever life chose to throw in his way, but he could not bear to lose the home he had created with the last love of his life. Yet he must reenter that world of shadows and shifting loyalties for the sake of his commitment to the one family that represented the good part of his past.
So though he longed for his bed and the warmth that awaited him there, he sat with smoke around his head and fire in his gut instead, and let the toughness that he had so diligently smoothed over resurface.

Lily wished she could make him breakfast. “I am a very good cook,” she said. “But here, in this hotel room, I do not have a kitchen.”
Ali smiled, thinking, she was breakfast enough, but did not say it. Instead he marveled at how quickly things changed, how a little scare like last night by those two men had frightened her enough to open her bed to him, her protector. And how much he enjoyed playing that role, especially for her.
“I was so frightened last night,” she said, “but now that you’re here, I’m not afraid anymore.”
And then she crawled into the safety of his arms and told her life story. “There is a fourteen year difference between my sister and me,” she said. “She was a surprise child for my parents and because she was unexpected, she has always been showered with attention by both them and me. And when our parents died several years ago in a car accident, she has been my responsibility. A kind of younger sister who is like a daughter to me, too.”
She grew silent then and Ali thought she had fallen asleep until he felt the tears she was crying wet his chest. He cradled her then, rocked her gently in his arms until the sobbing stopped and she drifted off into sleep. Ali laid there then, thinking. He was connected to her now, in the most primitive ways, and he would not only protect her, but would go out soon to search again for her sister. And as she restlessly stirred against him, he held her tighter, and soon slipped off to sleep himself.

There were Kurds in Tarlabaşi that The Greek needed to see. He was never very popular with them, even in the old days when he had dealings with them, there always being a feeling of distrust coloring any business they conducted, but he knew at least if he asked a question of the right Kurd, he would get an honest answer. And though they always suspected he sided with the Russians, there were some who knew him well enough to know it was only with some Russians, and they knew he had killed a few himself once, so they showed him the proper respect that they would show someone, who although not an ally, was also not a competitor.
Emre was small, wiry, intense. His mouth seemed to be in a perpetual frown, and his eyes burned holes in whatever he looked at. With The Greek he wore tinted sunglasses, out of respect, for he knew The Greek had once saved his father’s business, and thus he was honor bound to call him uncle, so when The Greek showed up at the social club he held court in, he rose to give a proper greeting, and put the sunglasses on so his eyes would not offend unintentionally. They retired to a back room, leaving the men who looked up with suspicion to their cards and their cigarette smoke.
“We have not seen you here in a long time, uncle,” he said after they both were seated and cay was brought in by one of the boys in training.
“I am not in business anymore,” The Greek said. “Just asking this as a favor.”
“And this favor involves us?”
“I’m not sure,” The Greek said and sipped his tea. “But whether it does or not, hopefully you can help direct me to those who can.”
“Any service, uncle, that I can provide, I will provide.”
The Greek nodded, sipped some more, watched Emre stir sugar into his tea and waited until the spoon was replaced on the saucer to continue. “I am looking for a Chinese girl,” he said. “A girl brought here along the old Silk Road for trade.”
“Chinese?” Emre asked. “I know of people who trade in women but Russians mainly, and Eastern Europeans. No one I know trades in Chinese.”
“I was told the Kurds traded them.”
“And who told you that, uncle?” His eyes started to burn behind the glasses but he lowered them instead of looking directly at The Greek. “Could it be Russians who said that?”
“Yes,” The Greek said.
“They are lying.”
“These are liable Russians.”
“Then they are mistaken,” and Emre blew on his tea before sipping.
“Could it be some Kurds you do not know?”
Emre sat back in his chair and looked at his glass thoughtfully, as if it might contain the answer to this question. He stared at it for a long moment, then shrugged. “Maybe,” he said finally. “I do not know every Kurd, but I do know we have no business with the Chinese. The Arabs, of course, and some export women there, but not any Chinese that I know of.” He looked at The Greek then and tried to smile. “I will ask around for you, uncle, but I do not expect any answer other than the Russians. It sounds like something they would do. They have a long association with the Chinese, after all. Do they not, uncle?”
“Perhaps my source is misinformed,” The Greek conceded.
“Maybe you should see that bunch in Selamsiz, uncle,” Emre said. And though he did not make any reference to it, he knew The Greek knew that bunch very well. He was, though, not surprised to see no change in The Greek’s features on mentioning that gang. “But I will ask on your behalf here.”
“Thank you,” The Greek said and drained his tea in one long swallow. “That is all I ask.”

Ali decided to go back to the hotel alone and was not surprised when Lily did not ask to join him. She has had a scare, he thought, and needs time to recover. But he held her before he left and thought how pleasurable it would be to return. “Hurry back,” she breathed into his ear. “I miss you already.”

It took him almost an hour to get across the bridge and then another half hour to get to Taksim. His frustration at the traffic, though, did not compare to the frustration that awaited him at the hotel when he inquired about the assistant clerk.
“He doesn’t work here anymore,” a new clerk told him.
“But he was here yesterday,” Ali said.
“What was true yesterday, cousin, is not true today.”
“And his supervisor? When does he get in?”
“He doesn’t work here anymore, either. I’m the new head at the front desk.”
“All this since yesterday?”
“All this starting today.”
“Could you give me their addresses? I need to speak to them about some business we discussed yesterday.”
“Sorry, cousin, but we don’t have records of where they live.”
“Their names then?”
“Sorry, cousin, but no one here remembers.”
Ali looked at him in disbelief. He had dealt with uncooperative people before, especially when navigating the bureaucratic maze of government offices, but this blatant lying was a new high in mid-level arrogance. He wanted to reach across the front desk and smack this smug little man but knew that would get him nowhere. Instead he leaned across and said, “You don’t know who you’re dealing with, do you, cousin?”
“Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t know,” said a voice that sounded all too familiar behind him. Ali turned to see the two from last night blocking his exit through the lobby. The shorter one smirked and said mockingly, “Do you, cousin?” Then he looked at the new head clerk and said, “He bothering you, bro?”
“I do have work to do,” the clerk said.
“You want us to remove him?” and he sneered as the bigger one moved next to Ali and put his arm around his shoulder, tightening his grip. Ali tried to shrug it off but the grip was too tight and only made the bigger one grin.
“I think he’s leaving now anyway,” the clerk said.
“You leaving, cousin?” the smaller one asked.
“Yes,” Ali nodded.
“You need help finding your way?” the smaller one asked, his smirk growing broader.
“No,” Ali said.
“And you got all questions answered? No need to come back anymore, right, cousin?”
“Right,” Ali said, his teeth clenched against the pain in his shoulder as the bigger one tightened his grip even harder.
“Then be on your way, cousin,” and the smaller one nodded his head to the bigger one who released him. “Insallah.”
Ali nodded, walked a little stiffly to the front entrance, and, without looking back, was gone.

The Greek was in Selamsiz where the word Natasha meant prostitute and the choice appeared limitless. It saddened him, remembering Irina on these same streets over a decade ago but he had no time for any emotions that could get in the way of what he must do. There were Russians here he had to see, and as much as he did not relish the thought of seeing them again, he knew the feelings would be reciprocal. For there was bad blood between these Russians and him and even though years have passed, the feelings remained.
He found the social club just as he remembered it: dark, filled with smoke, men in dark suit jackets, no ties, gold chains around their necks, their shirts open three buttons, hunched over their card games oblivious to everything until he walked through the door. Then suddenly the room was deathly quiet and the smoke seemed to part. They all looked at him with blank faces, though he could, if he looked closely enough, catch a glimmer of hatred in those dead, dark eyes, but he was too busy looking into the eyes of a younger man, in his early thirties, sitting at a table toward the front of the room. Those eyes were not expressionless, and The Greek knew the years did not erase the stain on either of their hearts.
“Well look who comes here,” the younger man said. “And what can we do for you, grandfather? Looking for another girlfriend at your age?”
“I’m looking for Ivan,” The Greek said.
“You’re out of touch, grandfather,” the younger man said and laughed. “Ivan is no longer here. He’s dead,” and he smirked, “like you should be.”
“Surely,” The Greek said, smirking himself, “he didn’t leave a boy in his place.” And he looked around at the mostly younger men sitting at the tables. “Who’s in charge now of this…” and his lips curled as he spoke the word “…establishment.”
“I’m no boy, grandfather” said the younger man standing.
“And I’m no grandfather,” said The Greek. “Now tell me who’s in charge before I lose my patience and teach you how to respect your elders.”
“Teach me?” and the younger man started to advance, his fists clenched, the hair up on his back.
But before he crossed more than three steps a voice called out from the corner, “I’m in charge now, uncle. And Vitaly, you can sit down.”
The Greek looked over to see an even older, more familiar face, but one that still knew how to listen before he spoke, and who knew The Greek long before the younger Vitaly was born.
“So,” Andrei said, “you have come for a reason, uncle? Or do you just want a glass of cay?”
“For information,” The Greek said, “but a glass of cay would be good.”
“Then come sit here, uncle. I have a nice spot just for you,” and he indicated the chair next to him with its back to the wall. “You’d be comfortable here, don’t you think?”
The Greek nodded, crossed slowly to the corner passing Vitaly without even looking at him. And when he was settled, Andrei turned to the room and said, “Vitaly, go bring our uncle some cay.”
“Why me?” he said, his eyes flashing hot, his body tense.
“Why not?” Andrei said and his look could freeze the blood in any man who dared oppose him. So Vitaly got up, knocking his chair back as he stood, and stomped out to the back room to get the tea, and Andrei smiled The Greek’s way as he said in a voice loud enough for Vitaly to hear, “I’ll drink some, too.”
They stared at each other, both with the traces of a smile on their lips, in their eyes, while waiting for the tea. And once it arrived, they sipped, rubbed their fingertips together, sipped some more. The Greek could not help noticing that Andrei had aged considerably since he last saw him a decade ago. He was still handsome, though his eyes seemed deeper inside his skull and there were more lines on his face. His body, though, was still lean and muscular, but his shoulders sloped a bit, The Greek thought, from the weight of taking on the mantle of boss of his uncle’s former family. He was not Ivan, The Greek knew, who could control his businesses and still looked rested and carefree. Andrei seemed to bear the burden more visibly than his uncle had.
Finally Andrei said, “So, uncle, what information do you seek from us?”
“I am looking for a Chinese girl,” The Greek said.
“Oh?” Andrei said, his eyebrow rising. “Is this for you personally?”
“It’s for a friend,” The Greek said. “He’s trying to find her. We believe she is here to work in an occupation other than the one she applied for.”
“A common dilemma many young girls find themselves in.”
“And I wonder if you know anything about who is working in the Chinese trade,”
He shook his head. “No, uncle. We only specialize in natashas who are mostly Russian, or Eastern European. They are very popular with our local customers and I, personally, see no profit in diversifying.”
“I was told someone here on this side might be, though.”
“And who told you that, uncle?” And he gazed pensively at The Greek. “Could it have been our Kurdish friends? Surely you don’t believe the things they say about us?”
“It seems everyone says the same thing,” The Greek said. “And everyone points fingers at everyone else.”
“Then someone is lying, uncle,” and he smiled. “But who could that be?”
“I don’t know,” The Greek said, “but I will have to find out.”
“I wish you luck, uncle. But as a word of advice, which I am sure you don’t need,” and his smile was almost cordial, “be careful where you ask the questions. People get sensitive here about the kind of work they do.”
The Greek nodded, finished his tea and placed the glass carefully back on its saucer. “Thanks for the cay and the hospitality.”
“Any time, uncle. It’s always pleasant to see an old timer who still knows his way around.”
The Greek stood, turned, and began his slow walk out. As he passed Vitaly, though, the young Russian spoke loudly enough for him to hear, “Tell Irina if she still wants work, I can always find it for her.” He said it in Russian, knowing The Greek knew it, and hoping he would pretend he didn’t.
The Greek stopped, turned to face him, tilted his head quizzically, a half smile on his lips, and asked, “Pardon?”
Vitaly laughed, and some others, too, joined him, but Andrei just sat still as stone. “What’s the matter, grandfather? Hard of hearing?”
And The Greek stepped one step closer, his right ear inclined toward Vitaly, his right hand halfway to his ear, cupping it as if to hear better. “Pardon?” he said again.
And Vitaly started to rise, to shout in his ear so he could not pretend to not hear, but when he was halfway up, The Greek suddenly pivoted on his right foot, brought his left leg up and kicked Vitaly sharply in the groin, then, as he started to double over, grabbed his hair with his left hand, pulled him up against him, turning him as he did, and magically produced a knife in his right hand which he held against his throat. Some of the others started to rise from their seats but stopped as The Greek said, “I’ll slit his throat if anyone comes near.”
Everyone froze, except for Andrei who said in Russian, “Stay.”
Then The Greek hissed into Vitaly’s ear, “Pardon? You said something to me?”
Vitaly muttered, “No.”
“Nothing?” The Greek asked. “You said nothing?”
“Yes,” Vitaly said. “Nothing.”
“That’s good,” The Greek said. “Make sure you always say nothing to me.” Then he lowered the knife and pushed Vitaly away. “Anyone else have nothing to say to me?”
Andrei laughed then, and he stood. “You made your point, uncle. No one here has nothing to say to you.” And he nodded in appreciation. “It is always good to see an old timer who knows his way around.”
And The Greek left the same way he came in: slowly, deliberately, with dignity.

Let The Sunshine In

It’s 1968 and young Chuck Thegze makes his way down from Dartmouth to NYC to audition for the Broadway production of Hair so that he can dance around naked with other young nubile people on stage and get paid for it. As his audition piece he sings and dances to The Beatles’ song “When I’m 64”. When he’s done a voice calls out from the back of the theatre “Have you had any singing or dance lessons?” Chuck answers no and the voice replies, “I thought so. NEXT!!!” And Chuck goes back to Dartmouth disappointed but not until after his date with another Hair reject.

Now this anecdote is told to me during my weekly Saturday morning conversation with Chuck as I’m relaying my thoughts about seeing Hair performed here in Istanbul by an enthusiastic but totally clueless group of people. Clueless because it is obvious to me that they know nothing of the times–1960s America–from which that musical sprung and just why it was so important to my generation that you could not go to anyone’s home without finding the original cast album of the show. We all could sing along to numerous songs from the show. There was so much going on in those days, those turbulent days, and Hair touched on much of it. But as I watched this show this past Friday night performed here, all I could feel was sorrow for it brought back such memories of those days, those nights, the madness that was the 60s and even the early 70s that I did not especially want to revisit. Why I went to see the show still mystifies me. But I couldn’t help but reflect on the difference between the times and culture that shaped me and the times and culture here that is shaping these young people and how very different that is.

In the program notes many of these young performers mention how happy they are to play “hippies.” This, too, disturbs me because it is something I find wrong with the show itself. Not everyone with long hair who protested the war and worked for civil rights for minority groups was a hippie. As a matter of fact, most activists were primarily reform democrats , referred to as The New Left, working toward the election of people like Bobby Kennedy or Eugene McCarthy, and later George McGovern. Hippies were not necessarily politically active. Many moved to communes or their own enclaves in out-of-the-way places and dropped out of any involvement in the process that many of us were engaged in to change our world. I had long hair, a Fu Manchu mustache, wore bell-bottoms, moccasins, protested, and chanted in groups “We Shall Overcome” like so many others of my generation. I won’t lie like Bill Clinton and say I never inhaled but drugs were not a part of my lifestyle. I preferred wine, later whiskey, and The Rolling Stones to The Grateful Dead.

My point here is that not everything in the play Hair was a true representation of people who protested. Long hair was a political statement, an act of rebellion, not a badge of hippiedom. And so that alone was enough for me to wonder why I was attending the show but then watching these young people who are not politically active play at being politically active was upsetting. And here is where a cultural difference lies. Trying to tie Hair into the protests that rocked Turkey starting with Gezi Park is also misleading. The protests here, which, I should add I am in total sympathy with, are really against a man who has assumed too much power and control of people’s lives here. Though they started on one issue, Gezi Park, they escalated into a movement again Erdoğan. And unfortunately the people of Turkey have become divided into primarily two camps: those opposed to his style of leadership and those quite comfortable with it. He has caused division here and this is what angers and scares his critics. And believe me, it should anger and scare them. But the counterculture movement in the US and other countries around the world during the 60s was much different because it was about issues, not personalities. Though some political figures were vilified, like LBJ and later Nixon, the protests were still primarily about the war, with other social issues being championed, too. And those issues are absent from the core of the protests here. So the analogy, for me, does not really work.

It also brings me to this “free love” business. I don’t know about anyone reading this post but I for one never found love to be free. It has always cost plenty. And I’m not talking about monetary value, though that sometimes plays a hand on its expense, but in emotional commitment. And there’s nothing free about commitment. And love takes many forms: between husband/wife, parents & children, siblings, extended family, friends, lovers, peers, members of what could be called “your tribe”. And love in all those forms is never free. The open relationships many fell into during the 60s and 70s damaged the ties that bound people together and caused much of the confusion and eventual estrangement of many couples and families during that time period with far-reaching after effects that still reverberate today.

And drugs which were supposed to expand one’s consciousness only destroyed many of the fine minds of my generation and the children that followed. There’s nothing glamorous about addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. But I don’t think I need to weigh in here since there’s enough documentation available to confirm that. But it did bother me to see it being glorified in this show.

Anyway, I became increasingly sad while watching it and am still rolling from the mixed emotions the show caused in me. Members of The New Left, hippies, and later yippies, too, wanted to change the world. Many of us struggled both within and from outside the system to achieve that goal. It is a struggle that never ends because the forces of repression and status quo are always present and well financed. What the people of Turkey need are not the platitudes of the hippie generation but the conviction of The New Left. It’s not about dropping out here but hanging in and fighting for the soul of your country.

And America, that once beacon of liberty, is a major disappointment in this struggle. I felt ashamed during the protests here because my country which purportedly stands for democracy turned a blind eye to what was happening here. It chose instead to remain friendly with a self-styled dictator and ignored his abuses of power, the violence perpetrated on the people defying him, and still remains blind to the injustice here. American political leaders love to point fingers at easy targets but remain silent when allies that are deemed too valuable to criticize flagrantly drag the ideals of a free, democratic society through the mud. American leaders call for boycotts against Iran, North Korea, will even stand up against Russia over the Ukraine, but are mute when it comes to Erdoğan and Turkey. And since most of the people who visit my blog are from the US, I ask you to please look at what’s still happening here and raise your level of awareness to the plight of these citizens. Turkey is an old, rich culture with wonderfully warm people who would, I believe, raise up in greater numbers in protest if they only were not kept in the dark by a government that supresses not only its media but even parts of the social media. The US supposedly is against human rights violations. Well look no further than Erdoğan’s Turkey for flagrant examples of that.

And Turkey forget Hair as an analogy to what is going on here. A better analogy is All The Presidents’ Men. Put some songs to that and play it loud and clear. The real heroes to celebrate are a free press and an informed public. Now that would be something to sing about here. That would be cause for dancing in the streets.